Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

i’m sure it’s fine

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”