“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.