Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails