“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof