finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
