finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news