Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Did my cat write this

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

always be there

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.