Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
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I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“Why you watching this shit?”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.