Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Personal question. #JustSaying
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
good morning
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime