Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.