Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
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According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.