Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
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The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Love this guy
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up