Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.


According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now


Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.


[1st Date]

Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?


Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.


Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.


Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside


sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?


u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith


My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.