Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
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Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.