finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
You Might Also Like
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…