finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
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Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent