finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Okay me first
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?