Finished stitching this today 😇
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If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
I ate everything, including the H.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.