Finished stitching this today 😇
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I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.