Finished stitching this today 😇
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waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.