Finished stitching this today 😇
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I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’