Finished stitching this today 馃槆
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has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Satan: it鈥檚 just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
It鈥檚 a sad day when you find out there鈥檚 a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful馃
Me : Disgrace馃槶
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Breaking news:
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it鈥檚 39 million more years of moss
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
It鈥檚 no longer a Twittercide, it鈥檚 Xterminated.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I try
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?