Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
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Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore