Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.