Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

It’s password awareness Friday.

Today I offer free consulting.

Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

im 7 sauces long

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

Basically.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later