Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When libraries troll their patrons.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store