*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
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Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
