Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.