Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
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Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.