Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Look at this

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

My son’s blood type is parmesan.