Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
You Might Also Like
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don’t tell me about alcohol abuse!
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.
My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.