@JoParkerBear

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

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@ElliotHetherton

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

@juliussharpe

That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.

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@LeagueofNope

I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don’t tell me about alcohol abuse!

@MarfSalvador

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

@andylassner

Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.

@WarrenHolstein

Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.

@VeggieMonger

My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.

@Velma_the_Funny

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.