Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.