Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Carpe DM
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this