Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Bro what is this
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Hot Panini is in big trouble
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”