Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves