[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
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Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
This is the one
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.