Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.