Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”