[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
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“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Just ordered me some pizza!
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
This fish is cracking me up
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –