[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face


I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.


[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*


grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them


Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed


Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.


Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.


[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ?