[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
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I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
how to have an accident 101
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?