[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
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What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
The Birdles
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.