Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Good for him.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
new record!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
