@YouHadOneJ0B

Finnish flag.

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@mayamanion

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

@david8hughes

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

@catstronomical

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

@SaddestTiger

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

@dave_cactus

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

@Darlainky

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

@HrBry

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

@robfee

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

@BigRedKraut

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

@KalvinMacleod

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*