I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
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After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.