“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
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Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
had to make it
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of