“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
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KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.