*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
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Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler