Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”