Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Still cracks me up

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!