*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
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To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
*files a restraining order against reality*
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣