[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
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Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.