[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
What the hell is going on?
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
2023 was just a warmup
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.