Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
You Might Also Like
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.