Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
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a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.