Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

I didn’t realize that was an option

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*