fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
