Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria