fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN