fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
This is I, Robot all over again
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.