Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
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me to God
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
He took my last fry, your honor
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.