Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
You Might Also Like
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
This a good idea
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert