Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

Perfect

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.