[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over