Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.