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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die