Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

I don’t make the rules sorry

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved