Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

My work here is done

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel