Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

Family guy is so insane bc why were ppl dating that dog

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.