Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

Do one thing every day that scares people.

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

dictator is short for richard potato

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”