There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
You Might Also Like
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
All. The. Damn. Time.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”