Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people’s heads saying “The court room sketch artist is so hunky.”

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Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.


Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..


Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.


Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.


No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.


5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.


I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?


You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.


Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me