@markleggett

Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people’s heads saying “The court room sketch artist is so hunky.”

You Might Also Like

@GiggleQueen2018

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..

@weinerdog4life

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

@Bob_Janke

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

@lisaxy424

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

@TheJoelWillis

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

@GingerHotDish

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

@BlondAmbitionTO

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

@graceupongracie

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me