*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN