Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
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I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
peak technology
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Yup
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
