Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

and now we wait

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

How tf did it end up there?

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.