Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
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Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
